Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
