Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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