So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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