I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
