Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize