There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
