Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
