I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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