Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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