I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
