Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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