I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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