i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
