The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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