ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
