we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
In America we eat man semen.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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