I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Too much gin, very little bucket
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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