I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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