So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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