Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
