nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
