Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We are all done wearing pants today
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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