I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
