I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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