I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize
