If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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