If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
