I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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