nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
