listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
