i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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