Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
