I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
