I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
