My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
