Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize