I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
