Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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