My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
