Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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