Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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