Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
