I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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