You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
