I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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