you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
