...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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