Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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