To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
