I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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