I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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