how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Never underestimate the power of titties
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
