My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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