just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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