Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
