the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
