she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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