I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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