i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
