Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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