i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize