areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize