Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
