if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize