She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
