I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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